Almost 2 years later

Just revisiting this blog after 1 years and 9 months of life. And honestly I don't feel much closer to any understanding of happiness. I've been in this state for as much of my life as I can remember. In feeling dissatisfied with my being down to my very core. To questioning and sometimes hating every inch of myself To feeling and knowing that there is some capability for me to be happy And there is a world in which I will feel happy and satisfied-- yet not knowing how to reach that world. There are an endless list of things that I could reflect on, and hopefully I will Especially in such a free form, one in which there is no second guessing every last word that I write I crave a brain free of extreme envy and guilt One that feels satisfied is satisfied and at peace with the woman that I am in the moment. For this post, I am just going to focus on 'romantic' relationships. Rather than stewing about past failures, I just want to focus on what I do want. Someone to walk with me and hold my hand after a long day Someone who holds my sweaty palm and tells me they don't care Someone who will go for long runs with me and push me to push myself harder Someone who I can be open about my struggles with depression with Someone who I can come home to and snuggle into their shoulder Someone who I can call on my walk home from class Someone who I can introduce to my family Someone who wants to go on spontaneous weekend trips But mostly I just want someone who will want to love me.

Intro to Week 1: Extreme Discipline

Week 1: (7/24-7/31) Introduction: beginning the happiness project, gradually starting to recover from my CapeTownian mayheim. Unlike for some others, happiness and well-being for me is a conscious choice, one that takes a lot of effort. I’ve found that I need a heavy amount of self-discipline and activity to feel good. I am not okay being a lazy slob. Organization soothes my mind and helps me feel somewhat peaceful. I’m gonna experiment with a restrictive/heavy discipline experiment. It’s not an everlasting guideline, just a first experimental effort to increase my happiness. For one week (7/24- 7/31), I am going to follow a very strict behavioral routine—one with a lot of planning and self-imposed structure to see if it brings me any happiness. **I am completely aware that this may seem a bit Nazi-ish, but it is merely an experiment. Rules: Health: • No sweets/desserts • No snacking (extra-meal eating) o No eating out of containers/fridge • 2 nalgenes of water each day • track calories 2 times that week • Exercise: • 10,000 steps each day • run 5x in the week • abs 3x in the week • One alternative exercise (kayaking, hiking) Weekly Activities: • No TV (unless with friends) • Read/journal before bed • Cook 1 Giada meal • FB—total 30 mins/day • No buzzfeed/thought catalog • No shopping • No buying snacks/coffee • No alcohol • Listen to audiobook/music as much as possible • Bike once • No tinder • No linkedin stalking • No FB stalking (only for communication purposes) • Check email less frequently • One nice thing per week (email, letter) • Re-connect in some way with an old friend (email, phone, skype) Daily activities • Go to bed before 12 each week day • Wake up before 7:30 each week day • Sleep in pajamas, brush teeth, wear retainer • Morning: brush teeth, wash face, put contacts in o 5 minutes of abs • Take meds first thing in the morning • Make bed/ clean up clothes off the ground • Mood tracking- 3 thoughts, 3 mood ratings, 1 picture • With no activities—actively schedule time o I.e. from x-x, I will do Y o Add all job activity (interviews, interesting companies, grad school ideas) to job document o Apply to 5 jobs • At some point before the next day (morning, night before)→ plan out rough outline of the daily plan

The Happiness Project

It's been a journey and a struggle. I want, I try, I plead, I pray. I am tired of going to bed every night wishing that I was some one else. That I could start all over again and never have to feel so much pain. I feel so blessed, I have the world at my finger tips- loving parents, an amazing education, a lush house in the suburbs. Parents who honestly just want me to be happy- and will do anything-- therapy, financial support, endless hours of tearful conversations. I honestly want more than anything to feel at peace. to feel comfortable in my own skin. To go to sleep smiling, proud that I am a freaking ivy-league graduate who is so blessed. I am committed to this. I am strong. This is my journey :). I know that I can get there. One day at a time! I want to have fun with it-- try reading different books, doing different activities, experimenting with different lifestyles (even if they may seem extreme) to see what can bring me some solitude.